Optimistic Complication
by Dumbledoor
Summary: AU: The Road to Breaking Down, Post-Eclipse. Bella committed suicide because she was scared of living a vampire's life, shun her family, etc. Yeah. And so begins Edward's journey to insanity.
1. Suicide

**From this point to forever after (unless she says otherwise), the characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

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1. Suicide

I was losing her.

Even under the influence of death, Bella looked lovely. Her cheeks, pale and snowy white, looked to me like delicious pools of red. Her mouth, closed and colorless, appeared as beautiful doors of sweet breath and life.

I was losing my mind. Taking a deep breath, I was disappointed to realize that her scent would never come fully at me now. The blood I smelled was still singing to me, but I had no right to drink it.

Of course, my disappointment did not come close to my grief. My sadness, anger, hopelessness, melancholy, all triggered by one moment: Bella's death.

It was for the best that her eyes were closed. I do not know if I could ever leave, if I were to look into those haunting wells of warm brown. That's one thing to be thankful for.

Did I dare look away from her lifeless form? From the flowing puddle of crimson that lay beneath her body, and the knife that had caused them all? I would eventually, but right now, I had time.

I followed the route of Bella's blood. It seeped through the floorboards, blessing them with the color red. I felt the venom almost spilling from my mouth, but I suppressed all my urges.

My eyebrows furrowed. How could she do this?

But furthermore, how could I let it happen? How was Bella able to commit suicide? My body shook just from thinking about it.

_I wonder what Bella's up to now, she's been moody lately. But she always tells me she's fine. I'm starting to worry, and my schedule's been crazy this week... _It was Charlie. My head reflexively turned to the direction he was coming from. He would be here in five minutes, and he'll come home to his personal hell.

Not for the first time, I didn't know what to do with Bella. Should I leave her body? No. I would stay here. I'll let Charlie lash out on me as much as he would want. I deserved more than that.

Waiting for the minutes to tick by, I searched my mind for the _why _in Bella's action.

I took a ragged breath.

"Bella, how could you..." She didn't want this life anymore. This was her way of running, and I was letting her go.

I wouldn't follow her. Existing without her was the worst form of death, and I deserved it all. A masochist I will forever be.

_Edward better be up there with her. It seems like the only times they're together, she's content. But Jacob, poor lad. I only wish Bella knows what she's doing..._


	2. Strange

**Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

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2. Strange 

_I don't even know what to say, Edward. No one should go through with this. Whatever you think is best, do it. Even if it means leaving us. _Esme, who had been strictly opposed to my form of death, was practically giving me permission. Her face had been in unease for so long now. I had to give her credit; no one else dared come close to me. Jasper, especially, had made every effort to avoid me.

Not that I blamed them, or that I loved them less. But the privacy and the loneliness filled my emptiness, replacing everything I could ever want: Bella.

"Esme, I'm not going to do it." I felt defeated just saying the words. She was relieved, but it was only a little. Then she was gone.

_You're going to move on. She'll always be with us, but you're going to move on... _

"You don't sound so confident, Alice," I noticed, and looked at my sister's face. She was trying to look composed, but her thoughts all pointed to her breaking down.

She wrapped her thin arms around me. "I'm so sorry Edward," her voice was shrilly and shaky, not smooth at all. "I didn't see it coming. I should've..."

"It's not your fault, Alice." Then whose fault was it? Surely not Bella's. No, I was solely responsible for everything.

"Don't even think it's _your_ doing," Alice scolded.

I wanted to scream at her, and yell at her to say that this was no accident, and that _someone_ was to blame. But I kept my lips a grim line.

"I just want to be alone."

I ran as fast as my legs would take me, and almost on instinct, I went to our meadow.

_Ha. Got Jacob on that one. Serves him right, falling for her in the_—_whoa, what is that smell?_

I recognized the voice. It was Leah Clearwater, one of the wolves. She'd detected me, and was coming from the La Push direction. She was aware of Bella's passing—who wouldn't? She's Charlie's daughter—and noticed Jacob's feelings as well.

So Jacob still hadn't gotten his imprint. And now what he feared the most had happened—Bella was dead. I had killed her.

The thought made me angry all over again, and before I could prevent my impulsiveness, I whispered: "It's only me. Edward Cullen."

Immediately Leah had picked up my exact location, and her mind was zooming in the forest to check if I was with anyone.

"I'm alone. No need to worry about our attacking you." I kept my voice low, so she would not observe my sadness and hurt. It was in _my _personal nature to care about what others thought of me.

Leah was a good fifty yards away, but I faintly sniffed the air. Sure enough, there was the trace of the pungent smell of wood and fire. Everything warm, that burned through my nostrils and made me scrunch my face.

_What're you doing here, leech? Aren't you supposed to be at your lover's grave? The funeral was two weeks ago. _She was taunting me, and it was as if she knew all my feelings. It was as if _she_ was the mind reader.

I kept my face calm, not giving away anything. "I'm done grieving."

Though I could not yet see her, I saw her mind. She was circling the meadow with some distance, perhaps a few hundred feet. Leah was sneering, disbelieving me at all costs.

"Really, I am done mourning, not like Jacob," I was surprised by my coherent explanation. "It's actually good, in a way, that Bella's... not here with me."

For a while she stopped, startled by the truth in my words.

_Oh yeah, you're the mind reader. _Then her tone changed completely. _So what will you do now?_

I turned my head, trying to follow where she could possibly be behind the thick shrubs and trees.

I sighed. "I'd probably just exist here forever. Somewhere Bella won't be. It's the least I can do for her." I was determined to stay.

_Or the only thing you can do for her._ Was Leah being understanding? Toward a vampire?

_I mean, there's nothing else you can do. She's gone now, so there'd be no point. _Thinking it too sentimental, Leah added: _Bloodsucker._

Her bluntness annoyed me. Yet it also pierced through my nonexistent soul. She was right. Bella was gone. I'd have to learn to be without her. How does one live without his Bella?

Avoid thinking about her. That would be my mantra, and maybe somehow I'll actually follow it.

"What about you, Leah?" I wanted to avert the topic. "How's your life going?"

She was standing on a rock, and I could see myself in her line of vision. But there was no werewolf in my sight.

_My life's not so exciting as yours. I don't fall in love with someone not of my kind. _

"You're awfully smug about something you haven't experienced." It was true enough; she was too judgmental to things such as love and hate.

_I know enough from my brothers, though I'd really want to feel it for myself, _Leah's voice was wistful. I had a feeling she didn't want me to hear the last part, but she also knew there was no stopping it.

"I see you're the only one who's phased," I noted. There was only Leah's voice in her mind; usually, when there was one werewolf, the others would be somewhere around, their thoughts all magnificently coordinated and organized to span on vast amounts of territory.

I still couldn't see her, but it wasn't that much of a bother. I could hear her thoughts; it was as close to a conversation I was going to get from an enemy, I guessed.

_They all think I'm a pain. Even Sam... _

Then memories rushed through my head. _Sam and Leah, kissing each other in First Beach... Two figures declaring their love for each other... Leah smiling... Sam seeing Emily for the first time... _

I tried to stop channeling her thoughts in mine, but they were too strong. She was remembering them in such a harsh way.

"Stop it," I said, hoping she'd calm down. But she wasn't listening. She was just thinking of her hopeless love, Sam Uley, the chief in command of the pack.

_He said he couldn't help but love her..._ Her voice sounded so desperate, so raw of emotion, I wondered how Sam was able to leave her for his imprint.

"Imprinting must be a whole new level of companionship," I muttered to myself.

_You don't know how hard it is... _I could almost see the sneer form on Leah's bitter face. _We were together for years. I did everything I could to keep him. I love him. But all it took was one look from Emily to sweep him off his feet. _

It took me a moment to absorb what she'd reflected on.

"You have good ground for your spite," I didn't know why, but I felt compelled to help a broken soul; God knows how many I've destroyed.

In the distance, I heard a howl. It sounded like an insult.

_Oh, you're my therapist now? What's next, you're going to tell me I'm going to imprint anytime soon?_

I stopped the smile that started to form in my face.

"Not anytime soon," I said. "But someday."

_You know what? I don't think there's someone for me. I can just feel it. _And I heard it in her mind. She had no hope in herself.

We remained silent, though sometimes it was only on my part. Her thoughts were in a muddle, and she would have these rants in her head about her insecurities and failures to her family. I never saw her; I just listened.

When an hour had passed, her mind was processing all the blurs of greens. She was running to her home, with her tears and burdened heart.


	3. Whole Wide World

**Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

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3. Whole Wide World

What's worse than finding yourself thinking of a certain werewolf? A snappy, sarcastic one at that.

Here I was, in the meadow (it's fruitless to call it our meadow; it just brings forth these lamentations), waiting for something to somehow happen. I was hoping Leah would come.

"Please," I pleaded to the overcast sky. As custom to Forks, it was pouring. The smell of grass was sweet, and the feel of the water sliding through my granite skin was the closest thing to comfort. The closest thing to a warm someone holding me.

I laughed at myself, thinking how pathetic I was being.

_You're here again, leech?_ Her voice was strangely soothing. Without the snide, it had a motherly tone to it.

Laying on the grass, I kept my eyes closed. "I was counting on your coming."

She was examining me, the paleness of my skin and my form. _So beautiful... So mesmerizing..._

"Thank you, Leah, I'll take that as a spoken compliment," I didn't want to look at her, knowing she was a few feet to my right. Anyone would be embarrassed if she had her thoughts displayed to someone else.

"Take it anyway you want. There's nothing I can do with my mind. It goes where it wants to go," she said nonchalantly, though she shrank back a bit. "I'm so used to my brothers reading my thoughts; I don't care anymore."

I smiled. "You mean, you don't believe you'll have your privacy any longer?"

Then I opened my eyes, sitting up. There was Leah, sitting cross-legged on the grass, wearing jeans and a shirt. Her dark skin made it easy to hide the blush forming on her cheeks, but I could see it still. It wasn't the most appealing blood, but it was blood all the same. I could feel the heat spreading through me, though the pouring droplets prevented it from getting too uncomfortable. Smelling a werewolf in the rain was a different sensation altogether; the woodsy scent seemed comforting. Homey.

_How could I expect any privacy? All my wants, my most mortifying secrets, they're all in the open. Even when I'm alone, there's _you_ to read my mind. _

"I can tune out someone's thoughts, if he or she would think them silent enough. At times, like the present, people's minds cannot be ignored." They cannot be uncared for, like hers.

"I guess I understand why you'd want to block them out," Leah's voice was quiet, but her face was stretched into a small grin. "It's annoying to be able to know the truth."

Though she was trying to be civil, her thoughts spoke more loudly. _I cannot be possibly speaking to this bloodsucker. What would Sam think? Though, making Sam angry does seem tempting..._

I grimaced, not wanting to hear more of her plan to make Sam feel some sort of pain. "You know it won't do anything. Even _he_ knows it."

She sighed. _It kills me every time I think about how I couldn't even compare to Emily. I did everything I could, but it wasn't even a fraction of what he felt for her. _

I've delved into Sam Uley's mind several times, especially when our coven was faced with the task of working with the werewolves. He was of strong character, and behind his duties, behind his facade of strength and sternness, he still had aching feelings toward Leah.

But no matter how many times she'd seen his pain, the feeling of betrayal overpowered the want**—**the longing, the _need_**—**of forgiveness. Her stubborn character would not let pride take off the broken heart displayed on her sleeve.

Beside me, Leah had gotten up and was walking in circles. This type of movement reminded me of how territorial these creatures could be. They protected their lands no matter what, sacrificing themselves without hesitation if need be.

Her thoughts, at such a young age, were in too much of confusion. She didn't need this.

So I changed the subject, hoping she'd appreciate my effort.

"Have you heard anything from Jacob Black?" I'd been wondering how he was coping. Was he still harboring hateful feelings? I would think so. But then again, everything was Bella's choice. He understood everything. And he hated it.

_Will Jacob ever stop loving Bella Swan? I wonder what's so special about her. Getting a leech and a wolf to fall in love with you is no easy thing._ I was irritated by her resentment of calling me by my name. But I ignored it, in wanting to get some insight. Granted, they would be biased, but her thoughts would provide more honesty.

"Jacob's not taking it good. He's considering taking his life." _It's all the leech-lover's fault. Now we're going to lose our strongest. No matter how much I hate to admit, there'll always be this bond between us all. I'd never want anything to happen to each of them. Especially Seth..._

I stopped listening when I'd heard of Jacob's plan of action. _He_ will follow Bella to eternal happiness? _He_ will take the chance to find out if there _was_ such a thing as heaven, hoping they'd be together?

"That's stupid," I remarked coldly, but the jealousy was there.

Leah laughed, and her dark hair fell back on her shoulders, showing her face entirely. She looked young, and her face had a mischievous air. Carefree and careless. Some of the things she was not, thanks to her being a werewolf.

"No," she shook her head, trying to stop her laughing. "_Jacob_ is stupid. But it's what he wants. Says he needs it. Says he can't live without her living also. Maybe it's for the best. I mean, we could all use a relief from his depressing dreams of her."

She was trying to convince herself that she wasn't affected by her words. We both knew better.

"All I meant was that Jacob still has an imprint waiting for him." If only he would think the situation over, he'd realize there was hope for a better companion.

_But see? He's too far gone to even think it through. It won't matter anyway; he's been dead for months. _The ice in her voice could rival the coldness of my body.

"And besides," Leah added, "you said so yourself; you're not going to where she is. So who else to accompany her?"

"You know," I said, irritation clear in my deep voice, "you're view of things truly is incredible."

She smirked. "I'll take _that _as a spoken compliment."

"You shouldn't," it was then I realized she's used my words from yesterday. "But if being harsh and blunt is what you want to be, then by all means, go on ahead."

_I don't want to be any more of a monster than I already am. _"You call it bluntness? I call it practicality." Pain was evident in her dark brown eyes, but her voice was void of emotion.

"Well you don't have good reason to be practical," it was my turn to smirk, for I truly had her there. For what reason should anyone be rational in this world? Everything was out of place—love caused more hate, to the point of it's not being worth it anymore. Everything was in chaos.

_It's all I can do to defy orders. All of me_—_I'm all werewolf. I'm not human anymore. I don't like what I am, because everything about me is duty to my family. I hate myself for hating my kind. I try to hide my anger at them, but of course they still see. I'm ashamed. I'm shameful. _She wasn't directing those thoughts to me, but I let my ears hear them.

"And you can't leave." I was trying to understand her, both in curiosity and to pass the time. Figuring her out would take a portion of my eternity. What harm could be done?

The rain was pelting on the ground and on our skin, and it made everything seem so dreamlike. Was I really talking to Leah Clearwater? I could see her figure clearly, hunched in frustration, and her face washed with water. And... tears? Rain had always seemed to clarify everything; to cleanse the soul. But all I was getting out of it was a possible friendship with someone I shouldn't be speaking to in the first place.

Mortal differences aside, we knew why we shouldn't get to know each other. If, by the off chance it ever happens, I were to care for her, or she to me, only disaster will follow. I was not her imprint; she was not close to being my mate.

As much as I wanted to selfishly hope otherwise, Bella would be the only one for me.

"Do you feel trapped?" Leah whispered, her eyes staring at the ground. Her fists were placed on her knees, as if she was restraining herself from phasing.

"Of course I feel trapped," it came out more casual that I'd meant. "This earth, no matter how big it is, has nothing for me."

_I feel trapped as well. _She was starting to sob in desperation, but her mind continued... _There's no escape from who I will be for the rest of my life._

"We all feel trapped with our continued existence, in some way," I said flatly.

Leah smiled again, her face sad and eyes half closed. "Are you sure? If you were to ask your family**: **would _they_ have the same opinion as you?" _They all have their lovers... Their forever is set without being alone..._

"I see your point," I agreed, though I didn't want to. "But you're not alone."

Her mind laughed sardonically. _Am I not alone? _

"Surely you're not the first one unable to find an imprint soon." Was this the cause of all her worries? That she'd spend a life in solitary when others around her were enjoying life with someone?

"Look at me," it sounded like she was reciting a history lecture. "I'm the first girl to be a werewolf. Besides Jacob, who's going to die soon**—**he's getting Sam and the others to do it**—**I'm the only one left alone. Even Seth's starting to worry.

"See, it wouldn't make sense if I looked into a man's eyes and feel 'the pull' you're supposed to feel. What would happen then? Would I protect him? Not to be sexist, but the only thing he'd be good for is, well, you know..." _I won't have a man. It'll feel like having a son my whole life._

Once again, I was reminded of how little I knew of the world, despite my being here for over a century. Leah provided a new view of the world, and of our existence. Though I do not agree with her most of the time, she had good reasons and strong feelings for her opinions.

"I can see why you're confused as you are. You're the first of your kind."

_I have no one to look up to, no one to guide me. _Her voice was subdued by deep breathing, her way of staying calm.

"That also means there's no one to look down on you," I imagined a life where no one expected anything of me, a life where I would set the standard. Surely she could see the advantage?

"Is that supposed to comfort me? Because, honestly, _Edward_," she sneered my name, but her thoughts weren't directed to hate me, "having no one to look up to seems to be the worst thing to happen to anyone, especially me."

I wondered why, and she, seeing my puzzled face, sighed as she explained.

"How do you know when you're being the good or the bad guy?" _How will you know your limits? _"Where do you draw the line? When it's too late?"

She paused, and I said: "You have your family to control you."

Leah shook her head. "It's not the same thing. Even Sam said it: they don't know how to handle me. They don't know if they should treat me the same." _So they don't. I'm left to wander on my own, and they, detecting no danger, would stay in their homes._

We'd been drenched by the rain, having stayed here for almost an hour. She was now sitting against a fallen tree, and I remained in the center, cross-legged. We were not facing each other; we just listened.

"How come you're so worried about becoming a bad guy?" The only bad guys I knew of were cold-hearted ones.

"I don't trust myself." _No one's ever told me I'm doing the right thing. The majority tends to have more of a point that I do. What's there to trust about me? My nature has always been cynical; I've always loved causing mischief. Now, when I have power, I don't know what I'll do with it. And my emotions_**—**_there's this unbelievable need to act on them. I'm so angry, so spiteful, I don't know how I'm going to take advatange of my hurt._

I want to say I was able to comfort her, but it would be a lie. I couldn't get involved with her life. How can I, when I myself was in major damage?

To be sure, my existence would always be about Bella. I would be all about her happiness. She wanted to stay away from me; that's what I'll give her. If only she didn't have to die...

Before I could stop myself, I'd said, "I don't trust myself either."


	4. Stranger

**Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

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4. Stranger

"I'd like to say I'm sorry," her voice was monotonous, uncaring at all, "but I'm not. It's partly your fault you're in this misery. I, however, had no choice. Rather, _Sam_ had no choice."

I chuckled. Our indifferent feelings were mutual. "Don't worry about it; I know _my_ mistakes. I've discovered every possible flaw I could own." I let my human emotions take control; I don't regret it, but it does hurt.

_But are you correcting them?_ She was thinking, but she asked, "So, you're saying that your time with Bella had been a learning experience?"

"I wouldn't call it that," I winced. "But these past two years _had_ given me so many lessons."

Apparently, she liked listening to my life with Bella—perhaps it was my detailed suffering that suited her entertainment. She was relieved by the sway of topic, how it wasn't spotlighted on her.

I surprised myself by finding comfort in talking.

So I told Leah. I told her everything I felt. I explained all the sensations I was met with when I was with Bella. I told her how vulnerable I became when I was with her. I told her everything.

And I liked it.

"Wow, the sun's setting," she murmured, looking at the red-hued sky. It all made her russet skin glow. My skin? The paleness glittered faintly, but it still sparkled.

The rain had stopped an hour ago, and along with it left the prejudices Leah and I felt. We held no barriers, for we both knew that it didn't really matter what we'd say; we didn't care for each other. I smiled to myself, knowing there was something I could count on.

"I like this time of day," she commented. I noticed she'd become more talkative, and her opinions formed freely from her mouth. "When the sun leaves, and the moon replaces it." _I could hide better._

"Darkness has its allure."

She looked at me, thinking about her day with the vampire, and how she enjoyed it. _I don't like this._

"Again," I wanted her to feel comfortable, "the feeling's mutual."

We sat in silence, this time not thinking of anything else but our civil presence. I'd never thought I'd confide in someone like Leah. She was... tough. She wasn't fragile, not like Bella at all. Talking to her was like telling your computer passwords to a hacker; it wasn't safe. It was stupid.

But I was too late, having my human feelings affect my will. I had talked to her when I was in need.

_Thank you for talking, Edward. Even though I've only really met you for two days, I can tell this was... a different experience for you. It gives me perspective that vampires have feelings too. If I didn't know any better, I'd consider your kind human._

I acknowledged her understanding. "This was all Bella's doing, actually. Since I met her, everything was _about_ her. It still is, in a way."

Leah's eyes widened. _Wow, is that even possible?_ "And your feelings never waver?"

"Never." My eyes were hard, and my teeth clenched.

_I wish there was a way to release someone of love. It causes more pain than happiness. _

I digressed. "But knowing that the person you love is happy; it should make you happy too."

She snorted. "Are you happy?" _Who am I kidding? Edward's probably the most decent... being I've_ _ever met. He's heartbroken over a human girl. What could he want with me? Will I ever get my happiness?_

Her thoughts worried me. She was unsure of her feelings, but now she was conscious of them. I had to be blunt, do it her way.

"Leah, we can't be attracted to each other."

She blushed, and desperately tried to block her thoughts. _This is_ _crazy! I love Sam. I do, but _he_ can't give me anything. In Edward, I saw hope. That maybe... we'd try and make it work._

The more she talked herself into stopping her mental rants, I saw her side of things. She didn't really want _me_, but rather the feeling of being with someone like her. Someone alone. Someone easy to reach.

I cleared my throat, gaining her attention, and she was smiling sheepishly. As if I she was sorry for ever thinking about me in that way.

"At least, can you see what I mean? By our chance of being less lonely?" She was hopeful, but her eyes were challenging.

I thought hard on that. "Leah, we both know we're not meant to be."

"I know! I know!" She was exasperated by my lack of enthusiasm. "But it could work! We don't love each other, but we could be like a regular couple."

Even in her thoughts, the idea sounded more and more ludicrous.

_Great. He's laughing at me again. Stupid, Leah!_

"Wouldn't that be like... " I tried to think of the word. How did one describe a relationship without emotional attachments? Then I remembered the term I was finding: "Friends with benefits."

_That just makes it sound shallower than it really is, but there really is no way to call it._ "Sort of."

I thought of the present, leaving my cautious self behind. What harm could it do? "So long as you're sure we won't get too deep."

"I'm sure." _There's no one I'd rather be with than Sam. _Vivid memories of her summers made me shudder. I tried my hardest to focus on something else.

Her undying affections for Sam didn't bother me at all. I was still thinking of Bella, her worried smiles and lack of confidence. Her beauty, her personality, it was incomparable. I chuckled. _Too adorable._

Leah shook her head of her thoughts. "Well, it's settled then."

"Yeah."

Her scent became more distinct, and I made a note to remember its effect on me more than the others.

Nervous hands placed themselves on my shoulders. I cringed at the warmth; she gasped at the ice.

Then we laughed.

"I'll be seeing you," I closed the distance between our faces, lightly kissing her burning lips.

_Whoever knew the cold could feel so satisfying? Grip his shoulder tighter... Oh! His arms feel like freezer burn around my waist... Enjoying this way too much..._


	5. Mind over Matter

**Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

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5. Mind over Matter

"Edward," Alice's all too knowing voice greeted me in the dark, "you had an interesting day, didn't you?" _By what I see, _she frowned. _Let me rephrase. By what I _don't_ see, it would seem you had an interesting day. Just like yesterday. _

"Nice to see you too, Alice," I was cautious, for, though it was inevitable, I still did not want them to know. Rather, I did not want to hear their, let alone Alice's, no doubt synonymous opinion.

I noticed our surroundings. No one else was in the house.

_Yeah... I told them to all go hunting._ I _wanted to talk to you._ Of course our 'conversation' would only take place in her head. All I had to do was agree.

"Fine, Alice, I'll tell you everything," and I put my mind to it.

Looking into Alice's mind, I discovered her take on my agreement with Leah. To put it mildly, she was furious. I flinched, seeing the imaginary Alice screaming at the picture of Edward in her head.

"I don't think this is a good idea," her voice was soft, as if she was meant the opposite. Her nose scrunched up.

"I know, I know, I reek," I held my hand up to stop her from saying anything further, and went to my room.

Halfway to the staircase, she stopped me. "Did you even _bother_ to think about the consequences?" _I don't want to be, but I'm disgusted. Ugh! How could you? Is this some form of rebellion to you? Some post-stress_—

"I don't think stressful covers Bella's suicide." More like posthumous. For all I care, Edward Cullen was no longer living in this world. But alas, that devil still lived inside of me.

She copied my grim expression. "Why are you doing this then?"

"No clue" was all I said. I turned away from her, slowly stepping up the stair with each soft_ thud_.

_Do you even miss her?_ Alice couldn't stop this thought from slipping.

I stopped. Of course I still miss her. She haunted me; she was this shadow looming over the gray skies. Yet, she was the sun, she was the daylight, she was heaven—all things I lack here.

"I love her," I whispered, hoping somehow _she_ would hear.

"I know you do, brother," Alice said. "I want you to move on. I really do." _But what if it happens again? What if he fell in love with another human? _Then a thought crossed her mind: _Or what about a werewolf?_

"Alice," I laughed no humor at all, "you really have nothing to worry about."

She sighed. "What about you? Is _this_ how you're planning on dealing?"

"You tell me."

"Well, it's simple enough," she grimaced. "I don't see anything."

I smiled. "You know where I'll be then."

"Ugh," she scowled at my attempt of sarcasm, "I don't know how you deal with those dogs. They never were the best creatures." _Always acting impulsive, never thinking things through._

"Mind over matter." I grinned. As long as I thought of Leah as only Leah, we were not enemies.

Then I remembered my first night with Bella, and how I'd explained to her my control of my blood lust. _Oh_, a voice in my head said, and my mood dropped. Was there anything unrelated to Bella? Even if it was just for a second?

Alice raised an eyebrow. _Care to explain?_

I did not know if she meant my answer or my mood change. So I shrugged. "Nah. I'll see'ya."


	6. Denial

**Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

* * *

6. Denial

"It's not a problem," I insisted. Normally I would have let Leah run, but I wanted her to stay. I didn't like loneliness. Ever since Bella, I couldn't live with myself anymore. I needed a companion, someone to share my misery with.

Leah looked skeptical, not looking at me in the eye, for fear of exposing some emotion.

"You promised not to read my mind, remember?" Damn. I blinked hard, concentrating on something besides her thoughts. The bright afternoon sun... Deer lost somewhere...

_Sam doesn't want this to happen. Is he jealous? Does he_—

"It's harder than it seems," I whispered harshly. "Not when you're practically drowning my ears with your worries!"

She looked taken aback, but was primarily annoyed. She had grown to hate it when I read her thoughts. Hell,_ I_ didn't like it when I read her thoughts.

"You know what? Since you can hear me loud and clearly, I don't need to explain what's going on, and how I really feel about us." _We need to stop. Sam's getting mad at me and I can't deal with that. Especially now, what with Jacob gone, and Sue and Billy..._

"But you were the one who proposed the concept of us," I held her shoulder down to emphasize my need for her. "You can't do this."

_I know I can't. We're too close to separate. Which is why you have to help me leave you. I don't think I can take it_—_Sam hating me would be the worst thing ever._

I sighed. "Leah, he won't ever love you."

She cringed, and internally, she was weeping. _Why does he keep doing this to me? He knows my weakness, he knows my faults... Damn him! I hate him! I hate myself! Why do I love Sam so much?_

Indifference. That was all I felt. Of course I was bothered by her sadness, but she would never effect a drastic action from me. Leah had no hold of me emotions, no control of my being.

These past few months, we've listened to each other. Our topics of discussion differed as greatly as our moods would allow. We listened, but that was it; _we_ were our safety zone. Leah was my comfort, and I hers, but only because of our presence. We were here, in the meadow. That was enough to prevent the empty feeling of loneliness.

"We have to stop this," Leah forced herself to speak, "because Sam—"

"Don't listen to him then!" Bad. I shouldn't have said that, but I remained firm. "He has nothing to do with your happiness." I had to laugh at myself: did _I _have an effect on her happiness?

She was thinking on the same lines, and she raised an eyebrow.

Not liking her smugness, I slitted my eyes. "Back to the subject. You're. Not. Leaving."

Leah stood up, shoving my arm away from hers. "No! Sam doesn't like it!" _If you care enough about my feelings, you'll let me go! _

I laughed. "That's just it. I don't care, Leah. I don't care about anything." Not even you.

_I should've figured he was just using me. _She now had tears in her dark eyes. _He was just using me. Oh my god, I'm such an idiot! How could I let this happen?_

This was too much to take. "Leah, you can't possibly be thinking something of me? That's just crazy. We made a deal: no attachments."

"Don't flatter yourself!" She had a wild look on her face. "I won't _ever_ think anything of you! You're far too wrapped up in yourself to be thought of by anyone else. Why won't you just go to your _Bella_ and be done with it?" _And leave me alone! I can't take this anymore. It's too confusing._

"Ha!" My voice sounded victorious, though I hadn't won anything. "But you _do_ care for me, Leah, you do. You have no secrets from me, and I know deep down, more than you perhaps, that you like me. Some microscopic part of you wants us to work."

She was blushing, despite the darkness of her skin. Her warmth was overpowering my senses.

"Well what're you going to do about it?" Leah murmured, turning her back, preparing to run. _If I'm going to be humiliated, might as well go all the way through._

"I don't want you to be embarrassed. I don't want you to leave."

"How do you feel about me?" She still had her back turned, and the idea of running was still on her mind.

I had to be honest. "You help me get through the endless days. You have such a way with talking that makes long hours seem short. I love that about you."

She snorted, not finding my affectionate voice very convincing. "But?"

"But there's nothing more. I don't really care about what happens to you," for if I did, I would've told her to leave me. "It might sound like I'm using you, and in a way, I am. But you're doing the same thing."

When she faced me, with her face tear-stricken, I was reminded of the monster I really was. I was sick.

"Well, apparently I'm _not_ doing the same as you," she fought back more tears, "because unlike you, I have feelings for _my_ comforter."

"We can work that out," I wanted to get rid of _that_ problem soon.

_What the hell is wrong with him? He's treating my emotions as if it was adding two and two. _

Even when she was hurt, she still managed to annoy me.

"Edward," _oh damn, I'm having too much fun saying his name_, "you've been good to me. What do you expect? That I'll remain completely platonic in this entire... thing? Of course feelings were bound to occur. I just didn't think it'd be me."

"So it would be alright if I was the one who fell first?" I asked angrily.

She shrugged. _I may like you, but I can still watch you suffer._

"In that case, I'm glad you feel strong emotions toward me then," I huffed. Childish, I know, but I was different when I was with Leah. She managed to bring out my rebellious and proud nature.

"Oh hell to _you_!" She screamed, clenching her fists to her side. Her death stare did not daunt, and it only made her angrier. With one last look, she had phased and zoomed out from the meadow.

_I'll see you tonight. _I was sure she was pouting.

I smiled, whispering, "Can't wait."


	7. Settle

**Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

* * *

7. Settle

We were masochists, Leah and I. Why did we keep on suffering? Were we _that_ lonely to desperately crave each other's company?

I thought so. We crossed the line of no return long ago, had sealed it with a kiss. Then we realized we felt like traitors to our hearts, when we pretended to be romantically involved. So we stayed close companions.

_Edward, please don't hurt me again_, Leah 'said'. _I can't deal with it anymore. You already know how I feel, so please don't make this any more awkward than this has to be?_

"Awkward?" I spat. "We're practically stuck together, soldered by our secrets, and you're emotions are getting in the way. You call that awkward? I call it torture."

She sighed. "I'm doing everything I can." _Please understand that._

"I'm sorry," it was the two pleases that got to me. Usually she was not so gentle. "I didn't mean it. And I do understand. I just don't like how things are turning."

_I just want to get away from it all, a place where there is nothing to fret about. Seth's worrying, though he's trying to see it my way… He's too busy with his lover… Well, _everyone_ is._

"Stop thinking about them," I lectured, taking her hand to get her attention. We'd gotten used to our opposite temperatures, and I found the burn of her skin painful. It was pain at its very best.

She dismissed my tone. "Let's get outta here." _Somewhere far away._

My eyebrows furrowed. "But we are far away. No one comes to this meadow. This is the place that's a good distance from home, and is close enough to where responsibility calls." No one bothered us when he knew we were here.

Even though they let her roam alone, Leah's brothers sometimes summoned her to make rounds in La Push. They wanted her to be a werewolf as much as possible, without lessening her peace. They wanted her away from Sam, but all of them had a duty to protect the land. Instinct told them to stick together.

"But there's nothing there now," it came out a cry, "and I've left all thought of responsibility ages ago. Let's go somewhere new."

I considered it, picking up on the passion in her voice. Going "somewhere new" would be hard for me, since I'd had over a century to explore.

"I haven't been to the tropics much," I suggested.

She frowned. "But the sun's going to be out a lot. We won't be able to do much." _I want someplace where we can be _seen_ spending most of the day together._

"Why do you want to be seen together?" I couldn't get her logic. "What does the rest of the world have to do with us?"

_Does he not want to be seen with me?—oh damn, I have to stop thinking._ She smiled apologetically.

"Don't be sorry," I smirked, intending to lighten the mood. "Your insecurity is rather refreshing."

Slowing her breathing, she started again. "If we were seen, it would seem more real. Don't get me wrong: it's not the reassurance I need—I know you're staying here forever," she looked at me pointedly, challenging me to object.

"But when we're together, it's as if we don't exist. I've learned to love the feeling, but it just feels like we're crumbling down and rotting. We're becoming too abject and secluded; I don't know if we're actually here."

"So you need a change of pace, a different setting, to see that _we_ will remain as we are?"

She smiled. "You're too smart to be happy. Nothing surprises you."

"I don't count that as a bad thing." I didn't deserve to be happy. _She_ was still in my mind, and as long as I was here, I was not capable of a light heart.

Leah had deciphered my expression. "Why do you want to be miserable? Don't you see? She did what she did, not to give you guilt, but to set you free from it. You shouldn't feel burdened."

"Perhaps if I truly believe Bella's up there, with Jacob, and in heavenly bliss, I'd feel some relief."

"Then believe it." She stood up, and started walking in circles. She did that when she was thinking.

"So…" She mused, "Where should we go?"

"Anywhere you want." I didn't care where we headed. Every place was the same—empty. Nothing on earth held anything I wanted to see.

My lacking enthusiasm aggravated Leah's dying patience.

"What about Europe?" She became excited, imagining the prospect of travel—of escape. "Someplace up north. Like Norway?"

I raised my eyebrow at her ideas. "And what will we do up north, may I ask?"

"It doesn't matter," she annunciated each word pointedly. "It's like a little vacation." _Only you're paying all expenses, _she added smoothly.

"I thought you said you wanted to be seen," I was wondering how long this "vacation" would take. "So why not go to a more populated country? Like England."

_I've always wanted to go to London. Or Paris, wow. Am I seriously going?_

"Of course you are," I answered automatically. "I'll just forge some passports and we can go by tomorrow."

She beamed. "Alright!" _Now we can be seen by all the Europeans… It'll be paradise._


	8. Europe

**Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

* * *

8. Europe

Every monument looked the same. The displays of history and modernism muddled to confirm my greatest sting: I was stuck in the present. Time wouldn't move.

Every city, each differing by a vast scale, had the same effect: nothing.

"Come on, Edward," Leah had tried her hardest to brighten my spirits, "it's a festival! How can you be so down?"

I looked at her, wearing a funny-looking hat, then took in my surroundings. Everyone was dressed in bright colors: the Spring Festival. Though to the humans, it should feel more like winter, what with the winds and the occasional drizzle.

Everyone was passing by in tight groups, trying to keep warm. The smell of their blood had no affect on my senses. Compared to Bella's, their blood was tasteless.

Oh, but to have one more sniff of that sweet blood! She was driving me crazy, even in death. I closed my eyes, seeing her lips… Her brown eyes that took my soul… I imagined her happiness, her poisonous smile. _I_ was the one who put that smile on her face._ I_ was the one that made her blush. I was the one.

"Damn it, Leah," my outburst surprised her, "I can't do this!"

Leah looked at the tourists and locals giving us apprehensive stares. She smiled, and then tugged on my arm to lead me behind some trees, away from the curious glances.

In my anger, my block broke, rushing in some dozen thoughts at once:

_Wow, he looks hot when he's angry… _

_Where did he come from? His pale skin…_

_This is awesome! Wait till Kendra sees…_

And on they came and went, and I let them. I had no more control.

I felt a sharp pain on my side.

"What was that all about?" Leah was looking in all directions, double-checking if bystanders were around. I can see her heightened senses at work, before she dropped her steely gaze and faced me, an expectant expression.

"I can't do this anymore," it was defeat, but it was sweet surrender. "Not when Bella could be out _there_."

_You're leaving me? No. No, please say no. You can't do this! What about suffering for Bella? She left you, and you'll come back to her? No…_

"I tried to!" I tightened my hold on her arm, to emphasize my point. "I can't _be_ without Bella. It's not possible. I'm not strong, Leah. I'm not like you."

_I'm strong? _

"Yeah," I said with a less serious tone. "You see Sam and Emily always together, and you still stay."

"I'm hoping. I'm waiting, though I have no chance," she said flatly. _Isn't that what you're doing too?_

She was getting close to the answer, and though it would sound frank, I clarified: "You _know_ you have no chance of being with Sam." She flinched. "But I can't know until I try. And I'm going to try."

Leah was hurting again. Why couldn't she see it? She continually told herself she'd not hope anymore, yet she'd never learned to let go.

With more tears blocking her view, she ran deeper into the forest. I let her be.

_Cold-blooded bastard._


	9. Absolution

**Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

* * *

9. Absolution

Strange how Leah's suggestion of a change of setting led me to Volterra.

I remember the uncertainty, the enthrallment that Bella felt when she came here to save me from my loathsome self.

She was my goddess. I saw her as a beam of light, too heavenly to remain in this human world. Perhaps it was the reason for her going?

I hit my head against a brick wall close by. Fortunately, no one was around. Everything was dim, and there was the smell of rotting trash.

I would never learn, would I? This situation reminded me of the last time I was apart from Bella. I'd been useless, barely hunting. Even my pathetic trial of tracking only distanced me from Bella's danger. Then again, _I _was her hazard. I was her death.

So shouldn't it be fair that I be her life too?

I'll try everything I can to find her. I'll scour through the universes for my Bella. I already had forever, so what else could I lose?

Groaning, I slumped down the dirty floor. I was aware of what I could lose. If—_when_—I found her, she might not forgive me. Merciful as she could be, what I was to embark on is considered unforgivable.

Was I doing the right thing? Surely Bella could not be happy with _Jacob Black _as an eternal partner. She has to realize—I'm the only one for her. I would love her twenty thousand times greater than _he_ would.

But Bella left me. I didn't ask her to—she did it on her own will. Why couldn't I get it straight: Bella does not want to be with me!

I would never call her a liar. Even though all those times of her adoration for me seem down the drain, I believe she did not mean to have a change of feelings.

But what to do now? I was going in circles, and my thinking process is tangled with my emotion.

I sighed. "No going back now. Bella, please forgive me." Though she had no reason to do so.

Walking out the shaded street, I put my hood up. It was twilight, so I would be safe, but I wanted the least amount of humans to see me. I have not hunted for the past month, and they might not appreciate my all too black eyes. I had not looked in a mirror in a while. Hadn't it been three weeks since Leah Clearwater left?

With the thought of leaving, I proceeded to my destination.

Reaching the guarded portal, I nodded to one of them, all dressed in black, and they led me in.

_Wonder what this one's up to?_ This guard was a new born. He had a slight frame, but his muscles indicated his strength. His blond hair reminded me of Jasper.

_Hey, I remember this guy. _Another guard, I vaguely remembered him from my last visit. He'd been one of the group that surrounded me while I was preparing to expose our secret.

They directed me to the wooden doors, and I saw more familiar faces. They all had similar thoughts regarding me: I was up to no good. I just ignored them.

Upon opening the big doors, I heard them—Aro, Cauis, Marcus. Not surprisingly, none had changed.

Marcus, who was facing me, nodded in my direction. Aro stood and was pleasantly surprised to see me. Cauis remained seated in his armchair. He never was a social one.

_Ah, Edward Cullen. I remember last time as if it happened yesterday. What trouble could he be in now?_ He was smiling at me like a wolf does before devouring its lamb. I dismissed it; I had more pressing matters.

"Aro," I greeted coldly. He only smiled at my tone.

_Still angry, I see. How long will you stay?_

"Not long," I admitted. I held my hand, not wanting to explain in words. I wanted this to be done quickly.

Cauis, hearing silence, looked at our exchange, and was curious to know what it held. Marcus had a strange expression. He was feeling… piteous?

Aro sighed. "Very well." _I wonder what he wants this time._ He took my hand, my palm flat against his.

What he saw made his eyebrows go up. He saw everything—Bella's suicide, Leah's company, and my wishes.

"Not again," his face was taut, finding my thoughts difficult to absorb. _Edward, you could do so much better… This is a waste! You can't—I can see nothing shall change your mind. Such a waste…_

"When will you do it?" I specified for Aro to kill me; he had a reputation to keep things as clean as possible.

_Won't you change your mind? _He was still holding my hand, and he was now searching for anything that would prevent me from staying unyielding. He saw nothing.

"Not even Carlisle can stop me," I said, my voice rigid.

Aro let go of my hand and stepped back. Still facing me, he ordered: "Everyone. Out."

A few minutes later, I was seated beside Aro on a bench. We'd only been sitting, though I listened to his thoughts. He was lecturing me, persuading even, to not die: Who was this human girl to take away my life? Bella was special, but she was not worth dying for! Even I knew the answer: Bella didn't want me near her anymore.

When his mind became calmer, I sighed. Aro held his palm out, and we had a conversation in our minds, to keep it as private as possible.

_Remember last time, Edward. You almost fulfilled your task, but you found reason not to proceed with it._

My mind went a little berserk at the memory of Bella's visit to Volterra. It was from the excitement, I was sure.

_Aro, I have to do this. There's nothing for me here._

_At least give it some thought,_ Aro said, though he knew I wouldn't change my mind.

When he saw my stubborn refusal to his proposition, he stood up.

_Better get this over with. _He walked to the wooden doors and made his way at the end of the corridor. I was behind him, thinking the distance endless. We passed by the guards, all looking at me, then at Aro, then getting back to their guarding. I didn't see Cauis and Marcus.

Finally, we entered the chamber. It smelled of smoke, and there was a block of stone—I assumed it was where the victims lay.

_Such a waste… One of the best powers that can exist. Edward, I'm telling you: you will regret this. _His blood red eyes were filled with invidious envy.

"Just do it." I sat on the rock. "And be quick."

Aro sighed, lifting a pale hand in surrender.

He wasn't quick.

For human eyes, Aro's striking would have been seen all in a fraction of a second. But in mine, it seemed he was prolonging my suicide. He tore my arm first; I felt nothing. He bit my shoulder, producing a cracking sound; it felt like fire.

But in those few seconds, I was still aware of everything. Aro was still angry… The guards were listening, and I heard their voices arguing with each other… Somewhere Alice was probably getting the better view…

He wasn't quick.

Then darkness fell on my eyes.

Bella.

_What's happening?_


	10. Delusion

**Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

* * *

10. Delusion

I was in her bedroom.

The bedside lamp was the only source of light, but I could see clearly. The floorboards were clean, cleaner than I remembered, and I saw there were no loose ones. Her desk, which had the computer with the slow connection, stood against the wall, tidier than ever. Her bed, where I've lain at many nights, had been made. I peeked in the closet: everything was neatly folded and stacked. Even the books, usually sprawled across the room, were boxed in the shelf.

"Edward?" I heard her voice, loud and echoing in the emptiness.

It sounded too perfect for my ears. I turned to where I thought its source was, but found the room void of anyone else.

"Bella?" She had to be there. I was not imagining anything—I was dead. I looked around the room again. Nothing moved. Everything was just as it should be.

My eyebrows furrowed. Why was I in her bedroom? Did I go through death just to end up in a place I've been in countless times?

Something was going on, but I couldn't place what. I was sure this was another dimension, for the afterlife did not start in Bella's bedroom—though I'm no expert in the subject, I know pretty well to say this could not be normal.

I sat down on the bed, the springs squeaking against my pressure. Oh, the sleeps I've watched! Her wonderful sleep talking, and her glowing skin against the moonlight!

_Bella, if I could see you now, I would never let you go_, I told myself. _Promises and vows be damned; I need you!_

My head was in my hands, and I was trying to make sense of it all, when I heard her.

"You're not dead, Edward." Should I be awed by hearing Bella, or the news her beautiful voice brought?

"Bella!" I whispered in the dimness. "Where are you?" Frantically looking around, I tried sensing for any form of movement, but found none.

"Don't worry about that," she sounded calm, and all I could do was to sit and listen. "All you need to know is you still have a chance to live."

This angered me. "Live on earth? Bella, I will_ not_ go back to that hell of place! Not without you, and since you won't be there, there's no point going."

Then I felt something. It started in my chest, and then spread in my temples, pounding through my veins. What was this? There was _something_ surging in my body.

"Put your hand over your heart," Bella commanded. I was startled, but followed.

Beneath my shaking fingers, was a pulse. A human heart, beating faster by the second.

"What?" I was at a loss of... everything. How could this be happening? There was only one explanation—I was in a dream.

Bella's amused laughter, soft and delicate, filled the room.

"Where _are_ you?" I asked.

"I'm right here," she whispered in my ear. But no one was near me.

"Why won't you come?" Somehow, I knew she was controlling what I was seeing. She was not showing herself to me. "Are you really leaving me?" I felt so frustrated, and my breath was shallow and fast.

"You don't need to see me," she hushed my worries with her whisper. I felt the air blowing to my face, but I couldn't see her. The yellow glow of the bedside lamp showed more darkness than light.

Maybe if I used my imagination? This illusion was the closest I could get to Bella, and I was willing to use it. I concentrated on the room. Any second, Bella would appear, and I'd be where I want to be.

"You did it," she breathed on my neck.

I turned my head, and my jaw dropped. Bella. Her heart-shaped face, cheeks tinged with pink, and her eyes! She was wearing a flowing white dress, and it seemed to sparkle. Her hair was a vibrant brown, leading down to her shoulders.

"Bella," I could not believe it, so I held on to her face. "Bella, is it really you?"

She smiled. "If you want." Bella put her hands, soft and warm, on my neck. I then realized that her skin was not as hot as I remembered.

"_My_ skin is warm," I figured. Bella laughed again, and looked at me with longing.

Without hesitation, I brought our faces to a close.

The room, seeming dull, became brighter, until the walls blinded me, and I couldn't see again. But I didn't pay mind, for I merely closed my eyes and felt my Bella.

I felt so human, so overpowered with emotions, and I let them guide me. I lowered my hands to her waist, allowing no space to separate us. I've been away for too long: I would remain here forever.

Her hands slid around my neck, and I felt we were molded together. I kissed her, kissed her like I should.

Bella's heart was beating fast, and I could feel a similar sensation in my body.

I pulled back, in want of taking a look at her face. But the light, glorious and interfering, covered all sight. White was surrounding her perfect features; it seemed to burn every inch of ourselves.

Worry took over me. Bella was still smiling; she was an angel.

"Are we in heaven?" I asked, out of breath and free of sadness.

She shook her head. "No. We're in your soul-I have to say, I'm amazed. I would've never thought you held my bedroom as such a sacred place. There wasn't much to it." She was looking at me mischievously, and it was like she was keeping something a secret.

Wait... _what?_ "We're in my soul?" Could this be possible? Maybe I was right—this was a dream, and it was all in my head.

But how could I think about anything else, when my angel was in my arms? She was looking at me with so much feeling. I caressed her face, keeping one arm around her body—I was not planning on letting go.

"In your soul, Edward," she whispered, gnawing at her lip gently. "A place you haven't yet explored; but that's beside the point." She looked up, as if thinking, "Actually, I think your soul _has_ something to do with the point."

I raised my eyebrow. "What is the point?" Seriously, I would rather not talk just then!

She had a dreamy look on her face. "The point is, you can't stay here."

"I can't—" Her slender fingers were on my trembling lips.

"You have to leave your soul, Edward," she said. "It's the only way."

"The only way to get to you?" Was this what she was telling me? That I had to abandon my damned soul to reach her?

"No. Silly Edward," she giggled. "Letting your soul go is the only way to let go of _me_." She pointed to herself, and my face filled with horror.

"Bella," ironically, I sounded like a dying man, "there is no way I'm doing that. Y-you can't let me let you go." I took a step back—why was Bella like this? "Bella, I can't do that!"

I was frantically trying to keep myself from shaking. My face was burning, no doubt stained red. I felt sweat cover my forehead. Why was I so... human?

The love of my life, the love of my death, sat down on her bed, taking all this in calm. My reaction seemed to be expected. She sighed.

"Edward, you should try being happy; you might like it." She was looking down at the floor, making patterns with her feet.

I died for her. And she was sending me back to life. "I can't be happy without you."

"Have you ever tried?" There was passion in her voice now. She looked at me, inquiring eyes narrowed.

I thought back to Leah. "Actually, yes I have. You know Leah Clearwater? Yeah, we tried having a relationship. But we're in love with other people, so we stopped." It was then I realized: I had cheated on Bella.

How could I have been so dumb to do it! Why did the thought not occur at once?

"Edward, you did nothing wrong."

"I betrayed you. No wonder you're not taking me back." Something wet fell down my cheeks. Tears. Their warmth should have comforted me, but it only provided confusion.

Bella's laughter sounded like chimes. "You still have a chance. Going with Leah was a good idea actually. Just let go of your soul."

"I don't want to be happy without you." I ran to her, kneeling in front of her sitting position. "Bella, why don't you love me anymore?" Then I started sobbing—full, shoulder-shaking sobs. Bella stiffened, but she remained where she was.

"What do I have to do to be with you?" I cried, looking straight into her worried eyes. "I don't know what I'm doing, Bella. I'm scared." I hugged her body, burying my tears on her shoulder.

"I know," she rubbed my back with her hands. "But you have to let go. Hold on to someone else." Hold on to Leah Clearwater, she seemed to say.

We were both on the bed, with me on top of her. My arms were tight around her waist, but she didn't seem bothered. She just soothed me with gentle touches, trying to stop my crying. My face was on her neck, which was salty with my tears.

If there ever was a more chaotic state of mind, I would not want to be a mile near. I was breaking down, and it wasn't even real. It was all in my head.

"Bella, I want to stay with you," my voice was hoarse. "Stay with me, Bella." I trapped her with my legs; I did not want her to slip away.

"Edward," now it was her turn to be speechless. "I-I can't..."

"Yes you can," I mumbled on her skin, "Bella, nothing has to change. We can be together." I didn't know where my hope came from—maybe the situation called for my pretending. I was not certain of anything; she could see it.

Bella was faltering, but she didn't fall. "You have to go back. Let go of your soul."

"How am I supposed to do that?" I leaned on my elbows, so my face was hovering over hers. "Why do you want me to leave you?" So many questions, but I knew she'd never tell. But I didn't need for her to tell. I needed for her to have me.

Slowly, I put my lips over hers. She, being powerless under me, could only hold on to my shoulders. I pressed my weight on her tiny body, but kept my elbows on the mattress to lessen the pressure. It wouldn't do to crush her just then.

She was moaning my name in whimpers and whines, over and over. Her voice, so raw with lust, gave my mind pain. She wanted me to leave _this_?

"Bella," my voice sounded unfamiliar, "you _love_ me. You_ love_ me—"

"I know! I know!" She choked out. Her tears were streaming down so fast. "I do love you, Edward. That'll never cha—"

"Then _why_ did you leave me?" Angry tears were mixing with sad ones. "Why did you kill yourself, Bella? Tell me, so I can make some sense of it all. You belong to _me_. Why do you insist on running away?"

"I'm sorry!" She exclaimed. But the second she said it, she covered her mouth and her eyes widened.

"What is it?"

As if breaking from a trance, she shook her head. "This was not how I planned this to go."

I didn't know what she was referring to, but I was done asking useless questions. I rolled us over so we'd be more centered on the bed, though I kept my position on top. In haste did I kiss her, though we'd had all the time in all worlds—I would've made sure of it. I could tell Bella was trying to protest, but she was succumbing to our wants.

With much fervor did I undress her. But everything else I took painfully slow—her soft screams, mine, the feel of being inside her—I couldn't even describe it. It was amazing how some expressions became literal in my sense: I've been dying to reach you... You take me to another world...

"Oh, Christ," Bella hissed. "Edward. Stop."

I did as she said. By then I felt my eyes shutting automatically. Sleep was taking over, after a century of being awake.

"Let go of your soul, Edward..." Bella repeated to my ear, furnishing it with kisses and caresses. "I love you."

The white light that surrounded the room. It was blinding me again. The white light was blinding me with darkness. I didn't know how such a thing could occur, but it's the only way to recollect.

"Bella," my eyes were closed, "don't leave."

I fought to stay awake, but it was like I needed a hundred years' rest.

Bella kissed my lips, and her angelic laugh filled my mind.

"Edward, you'll never learn, will you?"


	11. Forget

**Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

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11. Forget 

In darkness did I see truth. In darkness did I belong. In darkness, I saw nothing.

I didn't know where I or my body was. I was still sleeping. No longer conscious of what I felt—I'd become numb the minute I left—allowed me to have a somewhat peaceful retire.

So momentarily stuck in this limbo, I tried to clear my mind—one source of my problems.

What had happened to me?

Aro had been tearing apart my body. He was gnashing... I saw parts of my body a mess... Guards were outside...

A flash of Leah's face appeared.

Had she been there?

No. She couldn't possibly have gone to Volterra. I may have talked to her about them, but she knew it was forbidden for her to know. Leah wouldn't be that stupid just to get killed.

Realization dawned.

Leah _wanted_ this. In all my explanation of planned suicide, she'd picked up on the idea. She went to Volterra, knowing the vampires, with added hatred to her kind, would instantly kill her. I was just her ride to get there.

Manipulative... _bitch!_ Leah had been hiding her real thoughts from me, when I had foolishly told her everything. Because of my emotions, I'd been oblivious to what Leah was planning. I trusted her; I underestimated her.

What was _happening_? I was panicking, but nothing else was appropriate.

Then I woke. A clear blue sky, soft winds, and green trees greeted me.

I was in a meadow. Not in _the_ meadow, a foreign one.

Groaning, I sat up. My body was intact. Now, how did that happen? Either Aro had not completed with his task, and my body repaired itself, or some holy force put me back together. I hoped it was the former.

My clothes, a black button down shirt and brown pants, had become dirty. There were grass stains and dried blood.

_Who's blood?_ I wondered.

_If_ I was right, and Leah had gone to Italy, then what did that mean?

Leah would be dead right now. The Volterra might just have to kill me.

Wait, what! Then what am I doing here, away from all signs of civilization, living?

I rolled over. There was a crinkling sound in my pocket. A note.

It said:

_"I found myself falling in love with you. Pathetic, I know, but there was nothing I could do_—_I couldn't betray Sam, and you're still not over Bella. I'm pretty sure Aro knows the most punishing sentence for you. I may love you, but I can still watch you suffer."_

"I hate you!" I roared, rolling over my knees. Leah had taken _my_ escape, and left no room for me to follow. Aro clearly knew what I wanted the most, and what would torture me to no end. I doubt I can ever die.

When the cloudless ceiling didn't answer, I fell back on the cool, dewy grass. Closing my eyes, I breathed in everything that came and went. The wind rustled the leaves, brushed on my pale cold skin, and filled my mind with memories. The feeling was unreal.

In the foreign meadow, I stayed, setting Edward Cullen free. Alone.

* * *

**OK, well it's going to be difficult to go from here, realizing that there's no one left for Edward to share his misery with. And I'm not plenty fond of making new characters.  
**


	12. Feeling Good

**Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

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12. Feeling Good

I can almost laugh at my predicament. But then it'd be out of pity, of dismissing this pain that stays. In all my human years, I've never encountered a being with more woes.

Romeo and Juliet died to be together. Death was not inevitable at first, but as complications came, it became necessary for them. As one song goes, they're together for eternity.

Bella and I were not the lucky couple.

"Very well," I muttered. My voice sounded odd—_too _stressed.

I accept that fact. I'll "live" with it buried beneath this facade. For now, I needed to hunt. This meadow, with its moist grass and fruitful trees, was like a desert to me.

Shaking my head, I tried regaining my senses. I felt lighter than before—perhaps it was the carelessness working on me.

My eyes squint, trying to detect anything to replace my thirst. A good four miles away, I hear voices.

_I don't know why I'm still married to this idiot. Never learns…_ A snappy woman in her forties, was grumbling to her husband about his lack of coordination.

_Can't she see these so-called nature walks are painful for me? My back…._ Her husband, stout and red from the sun, was holding a walking stick, panting to keep up.

Middle-aged couple yonder. Thirsty vampire nearby. Nothing else was around to drink from.

Hurriedly, I ran to their general direction.

What was stopping me from sprinting full force? Carlisle. That father figure lurking at the back of my mind, unconsciously pushing me to become a better monster. But that's just it. Compassion, self-sacrifice, or mercy would not change me. Those characteristics would only make me seem more human.

But there was something else, some powerful force driving me to end my madness. But it was only my mind, and I'd had many a moment to suppress _that_ part of my conscious.

I ordered my legs faster. The couple was only a few yards away, but I was hidden by all the shrubbery.

I was a vampire, and that was the only identity I would need.

The woman, Natalia, was still occupied with baleful thoughts on her husband. I'd take her first, crashing into her body so she'd be thrown across the trail. The other wouldn't hear me, hear her, because he'd still be thinking about his medical condition.

Without effort, I stood against a tree. I was ready.

Unfortunately, my conscious spoke: _Don't do this. You could be less of a beast. _Yet it didn't sound like my voice. For a moment, I really believed someone was talking to me by mind.

That only put me into overdrive. If I was going mad, then so be it. My back coiled, and I sprang. Fury drove me faster than before, and it only took one snap to kill the woman.

_And my legs? Yeah, Natalia, they're still sore—_

He lost his chance to finish that thought.

Two lifeless bodies lain on the dirt path. My eyes took over all the blood seeping from their necks.

_It's been too long._ I leaned and drank. I could feel the still warm blood going through my body, strengthening my muscles and enhancing my senses. Not only was I relieving thirst, I was gaining power.

I was almost done with the woman, when my conscious interfered. Guilt spread through me. Horror washed my face. What had I done? I'd gone back in time—back to my rebellious years.

Instantly, I retracted my devil teeth. Misleading purity of white, coated with the clear weapon of venom.

But the second I did so, I realized something. I was not going to die. I had nothing to lose. The Volturi probably had advised every vampire existing to not kill me.

Even so, I knew the Cullens would help me.

Drawing in a sharp breath, I huffed. There was no going back now. I drank human blood. I didn't want to face Carlisle, and possibly receive the most disapproving of looks. I would never find out.

Your ways of eating are respectable, Carlisle, but they're not for me. Humans are animals, the most deceiving of creatures, and the most horrid of living things. They're more monstrous than I am, and they do it without physical strength. Emotions seem to be their most powerful weapon—their enemy, their ally. Oh, I knew this all too well.

With renewed confidence, I walked leisurely along the trail, wondering where it would lead to. Where exactly had that mongrel of a girl taken me?

It didn't matter. Everything was new. My eyes have lost their topaz color, and were replaced by crimson.

Taking in all the greens, I started getting agitated. Houses were rare, and most of them abandoned.

Just ahead—well, ten miles ahead—I saw a small group of teenage boys. Their voices were not distinct, but I heard enough, saw enough, to be able to tell: they were going cliff diving.

I was not aware of my location, but if there were cliffs nearby, then there must be more people, more life, in here.

They were fast approaching, wearing long sleeve T-shirts and khaki pants. I was not surprised to find they sneaked out from their parents every weekend to spend time venturing with peers.

"Kyle!" I heard one of them shout. "You gonna go in the big one now? Last time you got all sissy and ran."

Some laughter, then a yelled protest from a younger one, who looked about 14 years.

"It's not my fault I was scared," he rebuked. "Nick said that one of you got injured!"

More cackles followed, and poor Kyle blushed as red as his lightly-tanned skin would allow. Having my hunger satisfied, I was able to ignore the venom forming in my throat. But I felt it running across my tongue...

I shook my head, and squinted at the sun. The blue skies had turned a bit cloudy, but my skin was still sparkling.

"Hey, you see someone out there?" One of the boys said. He was one of the oldest, with shaggy brown hair and a slight stubble. Though his white shirt was loose fitting, muscles showed along his arms and calf.

The others squinted, trying to search for a possible someone. I quickly (well, for human speeds) concealed myself in the forest.

When they had passed, bringing their laughter with them, silence filled the unoccupied air. I continued my walking, wondering what I wanted to do then.

I was not thirsty; my appetite seemed to be a low priority. My survival was not an instinct; it was a bother.

Increasing my speed, I tried to concentrate on the passing fields, the heaviness of the calm day. No birds were singing, but no danger was present at the moment.

What was I to do? The boys' idea of recreation planted the idea in my head. Cliff diving it was.

In a minute, I was looking down blue and white, all in a violent mixture of rocks and currents.

Free falling over fifty stories was not a problem. Even then, the seclusion was not unwelcome. It was her.

When she had foolishly let her thought-up loneliness and sadness lead her to a cliff similar to this. After that subconscious act, I was forever indebted to Jacob Black.

What was it she'd said had happened? That when she put herself in danger, she heard _my _voice tell her to do otherwise?

"Well, Bella," I almost sneered in my hysteria, "will you do the same for me? Even if my danger's only in the head?" I closed my eyes, willing for the music to course through me, just like in a dream I once had. But gentle winds whispered inharmoniously, rattling my clothes and ruffling my hair slightly.

"Here's to everything," I said, with fake enthusiasm and a grim smile.

I stepped forward from the edge, and the waters zoomed nearer. But relishing in the present, I actually smiled. It was as if I was in the past, only a few years ago, and _I_ was Bella, jumping for the sake of jumping. I was beyond preternatural—I felt like I was dying. Vulnerable, as if anything could happen in those few seconds. Maybe a plane would crash right into me, and I would burst into pieces. An atomic bomb could land somewhere near, and I would steadily approach it...

Of course, like all good things, the moment ended.

But right there, with my head underneath the harsh ebb and never-ending flow of the river, I hoped that everything would be just fine.


	13. Why Worry

**Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

**

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**13. Why Worry

How does one know when he has reached his limit? When he is done for, and he really cannot take anymore? That all he is doing, instead of relieving himself of troubles, is plunging straight to the source, to where it hurts most exceptionally?

I've just arrived to Forks, Washington, and I have to say: my welcome was strange, yet it felt right. Over the past few weeks, I've carefully maintained my diet, drinking from pigs and cows from Italian farms, so my eyes would not be devastatingly red. Of course, that did not mean I was not to abstain from human blood, but I had to get here as fast as possible, and that was by plane.

As I predicted, my old family was not there. From what I've heard—specifically, from Mrs. Stanley's thoughts—the "snobbish Cullens" had moved to Canada, because Mr. Carlisle Cullen had received a _very_ generous job offering in the city (she then proceeded to fantasize about spending some time with Carlisle in the metropolitan, what with its stereotypical "manly" lofts and fine dining).

No one noticed, me though I've had many curious glances thrown my way. I was charmed, really, by all the sick imaginations women could dream up, but I had to get away.

On exiting the rental car from the airport, I sighed at the overcast sky. Even in the summer, Forks never failed to gloom with a shadow of clouds and the feeling of thunder.

I breathed in the humid air. "Just right."

I went to the meadow. Nothing had changed much, save for a few weeds growing in some areas. The circular shape of flat grass, upon which I've had many of my more outstanding memories, had become shabby and grown. I would have to fix that later. Appearances did not matter, especially now, but I still had an inclination to keep everything in order, though I've no reason to do so.

I did not want to lose myself.

"Edward Cullen?"

Turning quickly, my eyes widened at the sight of Sam Uley. He never spoke, but thought my name when he saw me. He had been running, phased as his massive wolf form, and the dark fur coated his eyes, which I'm sure were narrowed in anger.

We stood there, paralyzed with caution and control. I spoke first.

"Nice meeting you again." Blunt. Like that annoying Leah—oh, I've practically led her to her death, haven't I? I probably should not be thinking so ill of her.

My neighbor nodded his head in greeting. I could feel his stance strained; he was desperately trying to keep calm. _To which I have no reason to be reasonable_, Sam mused. _He's sort of the reason for Jacob's and Leah's_—_oh damn, I can't even _think _it!_

Was I actually having this conversation with him? For _some_ reason, this seemed familiar—trite.

But the less sarcastic side of me scolded myself. I've pushed an entire domino of hate and love to collapse.

"I'm sorry, Sam," I said. "I'm sorry for Jacob, and for Leah, and for_ Seth..._" When I spoke my thoughts aloud, they seemed harsher, more real.

Sam listened, but each name I mentioned slashed his heart into pieces. _Enough_.

Biting my lip, I sighed. Fury and heat were coming from his body, but he kept them equally controlled.

_What are you doing here?_

"I had nowhere else to go."

_Well, I thought the last place you'd go was here, in the past. _

I sat down, readying myself for another conversation. "At least the past has reason; if I go anywhere else, I don't know _what _I'll do."

Thinking it over, he concluded I was right. Crouching down the edge of the meadow, he too prepared for a long talk.

_Carlisle came to me last week. They've received news from the... Volterra, is it? _At this I nodded. _Edward, you're basically in exile. No ones supposed to do anything with you. Of course, the Cullens aren't going to stop you from living with them, but more vampires have been coming here_—_I think they're the guards to check up on your family. So they moved. _

Well, that put the icing on the cake.

"What have they heard about me?" I couldn't stop myself from asking.

The anger he was suppressing came in full force. His whole body shook, but he clawed his nails on the grass, digging deep into the soil, to restrain himself. A low growl was forming in his gnashing throat.

_You broke the treaty. You killed those humans, and several more after that. _I could practically _feel _his hatred coming toward me. It felt sickly piercing.

Shame washed over me. What had I said before in Italy? What was my justification in drinking from mere humans, who were clueless about our existence?

"I-I just... It was a spur of the moment..." Knowing the weakness in my reasoning, I stayed silent. Who cared about my momentary need of madness? In the end, the facts remained: I killed innocent humans. I was not thinking of the effects.

_I don't think we have it in us to fight anymore_, Sam thought. _Everything's been hell, and no one can take anymore death. _

"So you're just letting me leave peacefully?"

_It's for the best. _Sam was grim, and I sensed disappointment in his eyes. With a soft growl, he stood up and continued his run.

I didn't need his disappointment. I didn't want his bitter resentment to what I've become. I just needed someone to talk to. Someone to listen.

Two miles away, Sam mentally laughed: _Go jump a cliff, Edward._

I grinned. For the first time in almost eighty years, I headed to La Push.

The dive was a bit taller than the one in Italy, and a wave of nausea hit me, if that could've happened. This was where Bella had jumped. What was she thinking, when she looked down upon these rocky edges, and the turbulent crashing of water?

"Always so brave," I muttered, but Sam heard from beside me.

_Reminiscing much?_ He had been trying hard _not _to care, I could tell, and he was partly succeeding. But the only result was his being more sardonic, and using his wits to push people away from his real feelings.

Before I could form a response, he dived, still in wolf form, howling madly that it echoed along the cliffs.

I listened to his mind, noting how free and careless he was. He was enjoying the feel of falling down, of letting something else—nothing, really—break his fall. He _liked _the feeling of letting go.

Now in the water, he swam fast, with his powerful legs, and I watched him fought against the current. Normally, one would swim sideways the flow, but I assumed he wanted the extra challenge.

With some form of jealousy entering my mind, I slowly leaned forward.

This time, I tried to slow my descent. Spreading my arms, I felt the air push against me, and my mind became a dizzy relaxation. In reaching the water, I made a nosedive, and steered underneath so I would not hit the rocks. The strong current resisted my arms, and I enjoyed the feel of expending effort to swim toward shore.

Looking up, I saw that Seth Clearwater had come, and was then peering with awed eyes at the sight: Edward Cullen, vampire, cliff diving with Sam Uley, werewolf.

Sam, shaking the water off his head, howled in gesture for the younger boy to accompany us.

"Alright!" Seth shouted, before jumping. I heard his heart pump faster, adrenaline building in his grown up body.

With superhuman speed, we dived all afternoon, without a care or a worry in the messed up world. When a car passed by, we would get interesting glances, but other than that, everything seemed normal.

That evening, when bonfires lit First Beach, and most of the Quileute tribe had gone to Billy Black's house party, Sam and Seth voluteered to spend time with me.

"Why would you want to do that?" I asked, while walking alongside the two dark skinned figures.

Seth shrugged. "Everyone's been down lately. This whole mourning thing's like a plague!" _We figured something different would get our minds off everything._

Wasn't Seth Clearwater supposed to be by his sister's grave? He was not thinking of her, so I could not say. Not wanting to upset his peace, I just complied.

We went to the beach.

With waves crashing down the rocks, Sam and Seth chose a spot without much people. There were only elderly tourists at that time, all packing up their beach umbrellas and picnic baskets.

Sam had phased back earlier, and was now wearing a tattered black shirt and crinkly shorts. My jeans were far from drying, and I had taken off my shoes because wet socks were far from comfortable.

There was no need of fire, for the chilly winds had no effect on our bodies. But, as Sam said, 'we don't want to seem like strange boys sitting in the dark'. So, a few minutes later, the three of us were sitting around the small fire. I found it quite peaceful, for Sam and Seth were not threatening. Our eyes, deep into the multicolored flames, only looked inside ourselves, trying to figure out what the heck we were.

"So, Edward, what're your plans for the future?" Seth had been curious for some time, and I smiled at his courage of speaking it then.

Flicking some sand with my fingers, I shrugged. "No plans." I tried to be more conversational, but nothing seemed to form on my lips.

He nodded slowly, but he wasn't even listening. _I cannot believe you and Leah, _he paused his thought, not knowing how to proceed.

Sam spoke his question. "What _did_ you do with Leah?" He was still looking at the fire, and his voice was full of anticipation, expecting the worst.

I told them the whole story. Leah and I had begun in the same low depression, but ended up separating to our deaths. They listened intently, and in the end, Seth was wiping tears.

"How could she think of doing such a thing, when she always had me, and us, and—" Seth swallowed the invisible lump on his throat, hoping to get rid of the terrifying truth.

_This is all my fault. I'm unforgivable... _Sam was blaming himself for something Leah couldn't help. _Why didn't she wait? Her imprint, Jacob's..._

Then, by some useless attempt to comfort himself, Sam pictured Leah and Jacob, arguing with each other endlessly. He laughed. I did too. Seth sniffed.

"I guess it's been inevitable for some time," Sam admitted, poking the fire with a twig. "It just... I dunno, kind of confirmed my fears or something."

Seth had now calmed down, and he too was smiling. "This whole thing's been crazy. I don't even know how to react." He looked at me then, his twinkling eyes shining. "D'you think she did the right thing? Is she happy now?"

"I can't be sure," I said. Why would they ask my opinion on this matter? Did I not make it clear that I never really cared for Leah?

But underneath my hard exterior, with the "Carlisle" in me, Leah mattered to me. She helped me; and I gave her a way to an easy suicide.

"There's no such thing as an easy suicide," Sam muttered. _Only cowardly ones. _

"Did I say that out loud?" I looked down at my slip up. What else did I voice outward?

We talked through midnight, enjoying the fact that there were no rules to stop us tonight, and our nightmares being true, there was nothing left to fear.


	14. Still Beating

**Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

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14. Still Beating

10 years later

"I'm sorry, Edward. I'm so sorry. I wish I could take it back."

I couldn't see her face—her back, pale flesh and lovely, was showing. I tried taking a step closer, but found no success. An invisible force was keeping us together. Oh, if only I knew how imagination worked!

"Bella," I said, trying to keep calm. "Won't you let me near?" In my conscious mind, she held all power and every command that my whole being served.

I heard sobs. I tried banging on the stubborn wall, but nothing. Her will was more powerful than my strength.

She flinched when I growled in frustration. When she spoke, her voice held tender love, sadness, and regret.

"How _can_ I let you near?" She asked. I couldn't see them, but I knew the tears were wetting her beautiful lashes.

Her question caught me off guard. I doubted I would find the answer, for I had never been dead _long enough_ to examine such a state.

"Stop separating us, Bella," my Bella, won't you forgive me? "and we'll be together." She was running from me, and I could not let her.

Finding her unable to respond, I continued—

"There is no danger now, not when the only one who could die is _me. _And I would gladly accept that fate, but strangely enough" (here I grimaced) "I am unable to do so."

My ears were rewarded with her laughter.

I smiled, but not before the burning tears spread through my cheeks.

She was still facing forward, but she said, "Don't cry. I can't bear it."

I laughed, though it sounded like a sob or a cough. "But Bella," I whispered pleadingly, "_you_ are the cause of my tears. Who else will I cry for? I _hate _what you've done to yourself, and I _hate _what I've become—"

"What have you become?" Curiosity described her. In the end, it killed her as well.

"I've become without you." Simple as that.

"That doesn't make any sense," she argued.

"I have a feeling you're only convincing _yourself _that." It was the truth; and she flinched again at my observation.

"Why are you doing this?" She was speaking so calmly, I was afraid she'd disappear. "I ran away from you—I'm sorry! But I _know _I did the right thing. We—" She stopped speaking, and I was about to say something when she turned to face me. She was bare naked, uncovered and so enchantingly beautiful.

But there was no way I would let my eyes venture away from her face. Her brown eyes were most communicative, and I needed all truth. Silly, for I was aware that everything was just another delusion.

Bella was looking at me, her expression unidentifiable. She looked vulnerable. Destroyed.

"What happened?" I punched the barrier again. Useless. "Bella, tell me what happ—"

She held her hand up. "I've just become without you."

How can I look at her, when I myself have hurt her, time and time again? I was looking at my most horrible crime, the most passionate of atrocities I've done.

"Can't we be together?" My mumble was covered with choking tears. I dared look up at her; she was smiling.

"Edward," she teased haughtily, "you know why I'm like this? Naked, I mean. No, you don't have to look away—I'm _meant_ to be seen by you. We are, after all, in your little fantasy. It's only fair you get what you wanted—well, a peek at it anyway. All the rest, you have to get in reality."

I was stunned by her little explanation, and by the absurdity of it. "Bella, do you really think you could _seduce_ me into happiness?"

She looked confused. Rightfully so, for Bella could practically do _nothing_ and I'd be happy.

"Let me rephrase. Of course I'd be happy—I want you, in _every _way. I'd take you, in _every _way as well."

"So why won't you take me now?" She challenged. "I thought

"Because these daydreams—that's the only way to call them—last for only a second. When they end, _you're_ not beside me anymore. And it just hurts, and I keep hurting, whenever I wake. It's as if you're calling out to me, but you're really not. When I grasp your realness, you disappear. I can't reach you."

Her gaze remained curious, but she closed her eyes and bent her head down. She covered her face with her hair whenever she was embarrassed.

I saw a few tears drop down the floor. "But I want to be with you, if only for a moment. It's the most I can give."

"You've been haunting me, mocking me, for _ten years_!" I hated how I raised my voice, and the way I wrung my hands together, as if a lunatic. "Bella, ever since you've left, you've been _plaguing_ me with visions! For _ten years_ I've endured seeing you in every step, every turn, and every glance! You're there, _everywhere_, but you're not!"

I saw pity in her eyes, though mine were clouded with tears. She was struggling, I could tell. She looked at me with a desperate look, trying to figure out whether to do something or another.

"If you really wish to leave me," I continued, "please do so, and leave me _completely_! Your apparitions, they don't give me hope, but disturb this pathetic silence I've been able to create over myself."

Bella was now on her knees, finding herself unable to stand. Alarmed, I ran to her direction, but the force, the inescapable barrier between us, would not allow it.

She was trying to fight back tears, and it only caused me agony when she hid her face in her hands. Her back was shaking with silent sobs, and I mercilessly punched and hit the separating wall.

"Edward... " She was repeating my name, and it sounded like a prayer. Looking at me then, her brown eyes were filled with everything that I had done to her—she was hurt, but torn between loving me or leaving me alone.

I collapsed on the ground, my legs giving out. My knuckles were scratched, and I fancied I would die right there.

"Bella," I whispered. "You won't have to explain anything. Just do what you want, but please—I beg of you—do _not_ make me go without you. It's the one thing I can't do. Your feelings toward me will never change, I can see it. Why are you fighting against us?" She was miserable without me, so why was she holding back?

I knew then I would never find out the answer, even if she did return to my arms. In all honesty, I would not want to know the reason behind her going.

She called my name again, and I looked up to see her not there.

Standing up, I found myself no longer restrained. The room—and I wasn't sure what room this was, for it was only a vessel of boxes and walls—seemed empty.

I wanted to call out to her, but my lips remained shut. Nothing was stopping me, but I seemed to have lost all will.

Letting my arms go limp on my sides, the tears continued to pour to the ground.

Then a voice spoke from behind me—"Edward?" I quickly turned my head, and I immediately saw brown.

The water only increased the depth of her eyes, and I was captured, lost, in the sea of warmth. I could not speak; no words would describe her expression. She was happy, yet the tears told me a different story.

Her hair had stuck to some parts of her neck and face, and she'd never looked so beautiful. An inch of a distance from her did not stop me from clearing her face from her hair. My fingertips, destructible and sin-filled, were touching the purest of souls. But I would not let guilt take me away from her.

In another second, my tears became her tears, just like hers became mine.

"Edward," she gasped, as I fervently kissed her neck, and along her collarbone, "I'm so—"

"Don't be sorry," I gruffly said. "Just be with me." It was all I needed.

She stopped, and her hands remained their position tangled in my hair. Looking at me with the most unfathomable expression, she whispered, "Okay."

Between our kisses and murmurs of love, I became aware of the blinding light, the kind that crawled all over our skin until it devoured everything.

"Will you take me, and never leave me again?" Bella asked.

"Just tell me how." I was holding her wrist quite tightly, but it seemed her solidness was changing—decreasing in matter. She was slipping.

_Don't let go!_ My mind said, but it was too late; I only saw white, then everything was gone.

But then something happened, something that never did before. As I was exiting my dream, I heard her voice: "I'm always with you, Edward. I'm sorry."

* * *

**If you are confused, that's okay; I am too. But this chapter was just a dream, nothing but Edward's reappearing subconscious (but it is 10 years later).**


End file.
